Dear Conservatives

Passing references to forced birth and rape culture ahead.

Dear Conservatives,

You know how sometimes you say something innocuous or well-meaning or perfectly ordinary, but it's poorly worded?  And all of a sudden someone takes offense and word spreads and people start jumping all over you, hounding you for a slip-up and twisting your words around and making it seem as if you're a hideous, woman-hating monster of a person when you were really just trying to explain a fairly common political position?  You hate that, right?

Here's why that happens: You've torn your drawers.  You're past the point where we can extend the benefit of the doubt.  When you speak, your words join all of the words of all of the other members of your party and leaders of your party who've voted against women, spoken against women, fought against women's rights, worked to limit reproductive freedom, and on, and on, and on.

Maybe you didn't really mean to say anything harmful or disgusting at all.  Maybe it really was a slip of the tongue.  But it's just as possible that you meant every word that you said.  It's just as possible that your beliefs and your votes and your political efforts are devoted to hateful, garbage ideas.  We've heard from too many people who say those things and genuinely mean them.  They're people in your party, your colleagues, your associates.

No, you say, those people aren't like me!  They don't represent me!  That's good, but then it falls to you to make that distinction.  You have to fight against their ideas and push back.

For example, there are plenty of people who call themselves feminists who say terrible things.  Therefore, I make an effort not to say those things and (this next step is important) to speak up and fight against those things.  That way, if I say something that sounds *ist when what I meant was something else entirely, when someone says, "Ugh, that was really gross, I can't stand feminists who think that way," I can say, "I know, I'm so sorry, that wasn't what I meant at all, I'm sorry that I phrased that so poorly.  I've been working to fight those attitudes, myself."  Then maybe the conversation can continue and we'll have a chance to work through the misunderstanding.

If I hear that a conservative Republican has spouted off about how anyone who gets pregnant should be forced to give birth and women don't deserve to be paid or hired or promoted the same ways that men do because they'll just run off and get pregnant anyway and rape is only really bad under a certain set of very specific conditions, I'm not going to assume that the remarks were taken out of context.  I'm not going to assume that it's all a misunderstanding, all a slip of the tongue.  I'm not going to take the time to contact him personally to find out what he really believes.  I'm going to think, "More of the same," because I've heard all of those things from many, many conservative Republicans before.

But all is not lost!  There is good news!  If you want to buy the benefit of the doubt back and garner some good will so that I can take "I misspoke" more seriously as a defense, there are several strategies you might employ!  If you don't want people to associate you and your party with *ist attitudes, you can speak up privately and publicly against *ist attitudes, behavior, and discrimination.  You can make your voting record reflect your stance.  You can draft and support relevant legislation.  You can donate time and effort to related causes.

That way, instead of the typical "More of the same" response of disgust at your hateful slip of the tongue, I might instead say, "Oh, [Name] said that?  That's a real surprise, he's typically great when it comes to that issue.  Let me delve a little deeper and see what's really going on here."

You'll get the benefit of the doubt back once you've earned it.  It'll take a lot of work, because the rest of your party makes you look worse every day, but it's worth it.

With love,
Frank Lee

Dear YouTubers

Discussion of rape culture ahead.

Dear YouTubers,

I spend a lot of time on YouTube, and I've noticed that people have this habit of making comments about "raping" the replay button.

It's not funny, it's gross, but I bicker with myself over how to respond.  Is an explanation of why not to use rape as a metaphor too long for a YouTube comment?  Should I just step in with a mild, "hey, not cool?"

While I was on YouTube yesterday, I found someone named AfizaFarhana setting a great example.

‘Rape’ the replay button is not so healthy anyway...it's crime...just try ‘refreshing’ your relationship with this MV...XD

The last time I checked, she had 58 "likes."

It's a simple thing, but I found it encouraging.  It's nice to know that other people are stepping up, and it's nice to see that she got so much support (and no push back, at least that I saw).

When we point out that someone's speech is hateful or harmful, it's not our job to make it palatable.  We don't have to be sweet or witty or graceful about it.  The problem isn't our approach, it's whatever the other person said in the first place.  But I'm not socially adept at all times (understatement of the year) and I'm not always in the mood for a fight.  Sometimes I just want to make my point and get out.  It's nice to pick up examples of how to word my comments for maximum effectiveness and minimum engagement.

What's your go-to wording when you speak up?

With love,
Frank Lee

Dear Feminists

Dear Feminists,

Melissa McEwan, Jessica Luther, and Garland Grey have launched a new site called Flyover Feminism.

Their mission statement explains the point of the site very well, so I encourage you to read it.

Conventional wisdom suggests that all of the USA's liberal and progressive people live in big cities on the coasts.  If you live in the "heartland" or the "flyover states" or the "Bible belt" or whatever your particular region of the country is called, you'll get comments from people in those big, coastal cities telling you to move.  You'll hear people suggest that your state just secede so that it can be its own conservative mess while the rest of the country progresses.  There are no liberals in that state anyway, right?  It's all a bunch of conservatives or rednecks or Bible-thumpers or uneducated lumps.

There are progressive people in every state.  There are feminists in every state.  Why don't we all just move to New York or San Francisco or whichever liberal haven you're idealizing?  Maybe because we have families here.  Jobs here.  Friends and roots and ties and paychecks and responsibilities here.

Maybe it's because we realize that turning your back on a problem won't fix it.  Maybe it's because we realize that there aren't enough feminist, progressive voices here and abandoning ship will only make that problem worse, will only leave a bigger dearth for the people we leave behind.  I don't want to make things better for myself alone; I want to make things better for everyone.

When you live in a small town, you know that people with potential often leave.  They're encouraged to go, to seek out bigger places with more opportunities.  The town left behind, however, now lacks the energy and ambition and brilliance of the people who've moved on.  When people with promise head for something bigger and better, the ones they leave behind are only worse off for it.  When people with progressive, feminist ideas head for liberal enclaves, the ones they leave behind hear one less progressive voice and have one less feminist role model.

If I didn't believe that I could make a difference, I wouldn't be a feminist.  If I didn't believe that I could help, I wouldn't have picked up this teaspoon.  Yes, being surrounded by racist, homophobic, religious conservatives is incredibly unpleasant and often makes me want to storm around screaming in people's faces.  But that's precisely why I need the support of my feminist allies.  When you dismiss my state, erase my existence and my effort and my struggle, and suggest that there's no hope for us (no reason to bother, those people are all just a bunch of inbred Bible-thumpers anyway), you've stopped being an ally and started being part of the problem.

If you're prone to dismissing Alabama as too far gone for help or prone to suggesting aloud that Texas just go ahead and secede already, I hope that the work done at Flyover Feminism will change your mind.  If you find yourself left out of the conversations between the big city movers and shakers, please consider submitting a post for Flyover Feminism.  As always, the more voices we hear from, the better.

With love,
Frank Lee

P.S. Flyover Feminism is not for citizens of the USA only!

Dear Consumers

Dear Consumers,

While many people are choosing to boycott Chick-fil-A and object to their proud homophobia, and others are choosing to celebrate Chick-fil-A in their own nasty ways, some of you are making apathetic comments.  You seem to think that we shouldn't care, that it doesn't matter where we eat, that it doesn't matter what a fast food company owner thinks politically.

If I want to buy a new shirt, maybe there are only three stores in town.  Store X sells great-looking shirts and makes it a point to hire only part-time employees so it won't have to extend benefits.  Store Y sells shirts that always fit me really well and dyes its clothing with some pigment found in rocks dug up by abused children in a foreign country.  Store Z sells shirts which aren't as fashionable but treats its employees fairly well.

The money I spend on that shirt helps to keep that store open and fund those business practices.

Other people will see me in that shirt, so I'm providing advertising for its company.

Other people will see my car in the parking lot and will see me in the store, so my very presence demonstrates to others that this is a good place to shop.  If they had qualms about the company's business practices, they can assuage their guilt by noticing that they're not alone there; other people shop there, too, so it must not be all that bad.

You're voting with your wallet.  When you spend money with someone, you're saying, "Hey, I support what you're doing here."  You're supporting the product and the company behind it.

Music fans will make it a point to go out and buy a favorite musician's album as opposed to downloading it illegally because they understand that sales make a difference.  When gamers don't like a new feature of World of Warcraft, they cancel their subscriptions in protest.  When a big national chain comes into town, some people boycott it and deliberately choose to spend their money with small, local stores to keep those local owners in business.

Why does it matter that the people behind Chick-fil-A are homophobic?  For one, corporate culture.  If the people at the top are homophobic, they're likely to be homophobic in their hiring practices, in their corporate policies, and so on.  For another, they actively support homophobic organizations.  They've donated millions of dollars to anti-equality groups.  They're fighting against equal rights for all citizens, and you're cheerfully supporting them because you think their chicken is tasty?

Civil rights < chicken?

Maybe civil rights < pizza for you, too.  Papa John himself donates millions to Republican campaigns and hosted an exclusive fundraiser for Mitt Romney.  Maybe you're a Romney-loving Republican, too.  Or maybe you just like that little tub of sauce you get in the pizza box.

Sometimes the decision of where to spend your money is complex.  One company funds homophobic campaigns, another exploits its workers, and another does shady things abroad.  You start to wonder if you can safely spend your money anywhere.  Maybe you'd love to spend your money with one company, but you can only afford the one with terrible practices.

Just as it's up to you to be a responsible citizen, it's up to you to be a responsible consumer.  Maybe you didn't know that Chick-fil-A was best friends with Focus on the Family, but now that you do, you can make an informed decision.  Maybe you can't afford to shop at an expensive but worker-friendly store, but you can make your opinions known to the terrible store you can afford, and you can continue to vote and agitate for better policies.

I don't care about Papa John's sexuality and I'm not interested in his private life.  I do like knowing that the Chick-fil-A family works so hard to entrench homophobia and fight against equality, because I don't want to support that kind of harmful hate.  It matters to me because human rights matter to me.  I'm not going to giggle over jokes about how no one cares what the Burger King does in bed, because that's not the point and you're well aware of that.  I'm not going to throw up my hands and say, "Eh, all corporations are evil to some extent, what can you do!"  I expect more.

I hope that someday you do, too.

With love,
Frank Lee

Dear Feminists

Dear Feminists,

I love you!

We talk a lot about the terrible customer service that we receive.  Women get bad customer service all of the time simply because we're women.  People of color get bad customer service.  Fat people.  Poor people.  The list goes on.

It's great that we talk about it.  It's important to hear each other's stories.  It's cathartic and it's important feminist work to get those experiences out there.  When I hear stories from people with similar experiences I feel reassured: it's not just me, I'm not imagining these things.  When I hear stories from people with different experiences, I learn about them and their oppression, and I become a better ally.

It's also important to hold the people giving bad customer service accountable for it.  I would love it if you'd go home and write a letter to the corporate office every time you were treated poorly just for being fat, or being a woman, or for being/being perceived as something on the patriarchy's current list of don'ts.

I know that you may not always (or even usually) have the spoons for it, and I respect that.  I know, too, that this may seem like an individual answer to a systemic problem that's just not worth it.  But I believe that it's a small act with the potential to make a big difference.

Write directly to the corporate office.  Postal mail is best.  Mention the specific location where the incident happened (there's usually an address and store number on the company's website).  If they send any sort of note of apology or coupon in response, go back to the store and see if things have improved.  If not, let them know.

Sometimes, the person treating you like shit treats you that way because of a larger corporate culture.  At other times, the management may overall be decent but you've run into a bad employee who's letting his prejudice affect his work.  Let these companies know that you are a paying customer, that you will spend your money elsewhere, and that you'll spread the word to your friends and family.

People act as if in a capitalist economy, the bottom line is all that matters, and if you don't put your money where your mouth is, it makes no difference.  Fine.  Then if a corporation treats me like shit, I'll stop patronizing it.  But walking away in silence doesn't make as much of a difference if they have no idea that they're losing a customer, or that they're also losing out on more potential business because I've used word of mouth against them.

Word of mouth press is one of a company's best advertising resources.  Whether it works for or against them, it's a powerful tool.  If you're willing to sit down and write a letter, they'll believe that you're willing to mention the incident to your friends and family.  Companies know how easy it is to spread information through social media.  Tell them that you've tweeted about it or that you've told everyone on Facebook.

I've heard people say, "If they've already lost you as a customer, then they won't care."  That's not how it works.  If they know that they've lost me, then they've been alerted to a problem.  They'll worry about how many other customers they'll lose to the same factor.  They'll try to repair the hole.

One letter from one disgusted customer may not make an international corporation give its employees a feminism test.  But the more voices they hear from, the better.  The more customers they realize they're losing, the more they'll train their employees to treat all customers well, regardless of gender, sexuality, race, and so on.

When you come home filled with contempt and ready to write that letter, know that other feminists in town are doing the exact same thing, and raise your pen in solidarity with them.

With love,
Frank Lee