Dear Justin Timberlake

This post contains discussion of classism, transphobia, mockery of homeless people, mockery of people who appear to be mentally ill and/or intoxicated and/or addicted, and gross amounts of thoughtless privilege on display.  It also contains references to rape culture.

Dear Justin Timberlake,

Congratulations on your marriage.  I hope for your happiness.

I'm about a month late on this topic, because I've been debating with myself over whether or not to speak up.  Back in October, Liss pointed readers to an article about this:

The blind was all about the “wedding gift” some friends made for a recently married couple. The “gift” was a “funny” video in which homeless people talked on camera about how they were super-sad to miss the celebrity couple’s big, fancy wedding. Because the “joke” is that homeless people are SO funny, what with their homelessness and not knowing where their next meal will come from, and the joke is that of course the celebrity couple would invite some homeless people to their wedding.

Terrible.  That is cruel and mean-spirited and absolutely disgusting.

As word of the video spread, you responded in an open letter on your website.

Let's take a read.

As it pertains to this silly, unsavory video that was made as a joke and not in any way in mockery:

Not a mockery?  I don't understand what it was, then.  How does the video work as a joke if it isn't mocking the people onscreen?  What's the joke?

My friends are good people.

Good people make fun of those in need?

Your friends may be more complex than you realize.  Perhaps this gets to the nature of what "goodness" is and how we exhibit it.  If you only ever see Bob act like a decent guy, you think of Bob as a decent guy.  Then you find out that Bob has done some shitty, cruel things.  You can either go with the response of, "Wow, there are aspects of Bob's personality and character that I never knew!  Let me reevaluate how well I know this guy!"  Or you can go with the response of, "But the Bob I know donates money to AIDS research!  He's a wonderful person!  Donating money is a good thing, so Bob is a good person, and I allow for no complexities in my fellow human beings!"

You'll see this sort of response a lot when someone's being accused of being a rapist or murderer.  "Not Bob!  Impossible!  Bob pets dogs!"  "Bob?!  No way!  Bob's always nice to me!"  This is how a lot of sexual predators get by in life.  They do good things in public and horrible things in private, and when the horrible stuff comes to light, everyone says, "But he's always been so great to my kids!" or "But he volunteers for the church!" and he continues on his merry, awful way and his victims are called liars.  That's why the blanket statement of "he's a good person" really, really needs to be discarded as a defense.

Your friends may be funny, helpful, dog-petters around you.  That does not make them good people.  That makes them friendly around Justin Timberlake.  They're also (at least one of them) completely shitty and cruel around homeless people.  In my book, that's incompatible with the label "good people."

This was clearly a lapse in judgment which I'm sure no one who is reading this is exempt from.

Yes, we're all given to lapses in judgment from time to time.  I often regret doing or saying (or not doing, not saying) something.  We fuck up, we make mistakes, we're human.  But coming up with the video idea, getting a camera and going out to interview the people featured, conducting the interviews, editing the video and adding a soundtrack, and then sharing the video, involves a lot of time and effort.  It involves a certain amount of time in consideration of the video and its various aspects.  Deciding that I can speed up and get through a traffic light in time, only to cause an accident, is a lapse in judgment.  What's under discussion here is much more serious.

I don't believe it was made to be insensitive.

No?  How so?  What do you think that it was, then?  The point was to mock homeless people in need of help.  It's a joke, but not mockery and not insensitive?  Was it sensitive, then?  Sensitive to their needs?  Sensitive to their plight?  Sensitive to their need to be treated with dignity and respect?

More so, I think it was made as a joke on me not having that many friends attending my own wedding (which IS kind of funny if you think about it).

Up until this point, I find it difficult to understand precisely what you think is going on.  Here is where communication breaks down entirely and I wonder if you think that we don't know who you are.

Hi.  You're Justin Timberlake.

People love you wherever you go.  People collaborate with you on a song or work with you on a set and immediately cannot get over how awesome you are.  You seem to have some ridiculous amount of personal charm which turns other Hollywood professionals into starry-eyed fans.  It happens in every corner of the entertainment industry you brush up against.  It has happened throughout your career.

You have no trouble making friends.

With that said, maybe you don't consider those people to be "friends."  Maybe you appreciate the interest and intentions of all of those other people, but when you think of true friendship, you think of someone who's been there for you, someone you can open up to, someone you've really been through something with.

The other members of *NSYNC, perhaps?  No, not them; you didn't invite any of them to your wedding.

All right, maybe your definition of friendship is something more intense, something more personal.  Your true friends are the people you've really connected with, really bonded with, people who know you inside and out.  The only people you'd consider inviting to your wedding are members of an elite inner circle, people who know you as no one else ever can.

Those people know you very, very well, then, I'd imagine.

They'd know what you like.  They'd know your sense of humor.  They'd know what makes you laugh and what crosses the line.

And they made this video for your special day.

I think we can all agree that it was distasteful, even though that was not its intention.

Its intention was to make you laugh.  Its intention was to be funny.  Its intention was to entertain with some good-times humor.  The intention was to mock poor people, homeless people, people who need help.  Because homeless people, people with addictions, people with mental illnesses, and trans people are funny.  At least, it's hilarious to think of them being so deluded as to consider themselves welcome in your sphere.  Hilarious to think of them being welcome at your wedding or associated with you.  Hilarious to think of them even knowing you!  So, so funny.  As if you would ever know someone like that!  As if, wait.  As I recall, Chris Kirkpatrick lived out of his car for a while.  Wait, that can't be right!  That would make it seem as if homeless people are actual people, like anyone else.  Almost like you!  With things in common with you!  Aw, now the joke's ruined.

Once again, in the world that we live in where everyone thinks that they know everything, I want to be very clear... I am NOT defending the video. I agree with the overall consensus.

For someone who's being "very clear," you're not being entirely clear.  You agree with the overall consensus?  Would you care to explain what you believe the overall consensus to be?  So far, you've described the video as:

something that has even shed any kind of dark light on what was and will always be one of the most special weeks of my life.

this silly, unsavory video that was made as a joke and not in any way in mockery 

a lapse in judgment 

I don't believe it was made to be insensitive. More so, I think it was made as a joke on me 

I think we can all agree that it was distasteful, even though that was not its intention.

It's a silly, unsavory joke.  In poor taste, accidentally.  Unintentionally insensitive.  Not a mockery.

A well-intentioned joke that accidentally turned out to be in poor taste.  If it mocks anyone, it mocks you, really.  Poor, friendless Justin Timberlake, the real victim in all of this.  How cruel of us to misunderstand.

I want to say that, on behalf of my friends, family, and associative knuckleheads

Aw, those knuckleheads.  Always goofing around, mocking homeless trans people!

I am deeply sorry to anyone who was offended by the video.

There we go!  "I am deeply sorry."  It only took you 12 paragraphs to get there!

Sorry to anyone who was offended, you say?  What about an apology to the people in the video?  To the specific people taken advantage of for your crowds' amusement?  To the general kinds of people mocked?  Any apologies for them?  Anything to say to the trans community?  To people in poverty, people in need, people on the streets?

Again, it was something that I was not made aware of.

You seem to be aware of it now.  When were you made aware of it?  I guess that you were too busy to join in the wedding festivities, so when it was shown to everyone else, you weren't around?  I mean, according to the linked article, "Mr. Huchel made [the] video to be used and exhibited privately at Justin Timberlake’s wedding as a private joke without Mr. Timberlake’s knowledge," but I can't tell if the "without Mr. Timberlake's knowledge" pertains to the "made" or the "used and exhibited."  Either way, it seems odd that he'd go to that much work to make the video without ever showing it to you.  It's like a wedding gift for everyone at the wedding but the actual couple.  It makes me wonder what sort of dynamic is at play here, that a friend of yours would make a video for your wedding that he thought your wedding party would find hilarious but wasn't worth showing to you.  Odd.

But, I do understand the reaction and, by association, I am holding myself accountable.

How?  In what way?  What does this mean?  What's happening here?  You're going to give yourself a stern talking-to?  You're going to take time out for somber reflection on your choice of friends?  You're going to donate to homeless shelters?  You're going to educate yourself on poverty and addiction?  You're going to say to yourself, "Justin Timberlake, I hold you responsible for this silly, well-intentioned joke which accidentally turned out to be in poor taste!" and then go golfing?

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts.

It's your website.  You have the opportunity to post anything you want to post on it.

It really is a blessing to be able to speak directly to my true fans so that you can know exactly where I stand.

True fans?  You and I have a long, long talk coming about how you treat your fans, and I probably shouldn't get into that here, but calling on your "true fans" only serves as a "prove it to me" statement.  You're seeking to differentiate "true fans" from the other fans, as if your true fans will be loyal and stand by your side and accept whatever you say without question, while anyone who dares to read your "apology" and call bullshit can't possibly be a true fan.  That is a lousy thing to do to your fans.  They're allowed to love and support you and still think that this is a shitty moment and a terrible apology.

You can bet your ass that I'm having my friend do at least 100 hours of community service... Boom.

Wait, I thought that you were holding yourself accountable.  Should I expect to see you out there doing 100 hours of community service, too?

With love,
Frank Lee

Dear Blizzard

This post contains discussion of rape jokes, rape threats, and sexual assault in a fictional universe.

Dear Blizzard,

Rape jokes.

You peppered Pandaland with rape jokes.

First it's Mina Mudclaw, "the farmer's daughter," who is kidnapped and raped:

Those virmen... they make me do horrible, horrible, silly things. All involving carrots. I couldn't tell you how many carrots they threw at me.
Let's not waste any more time. Get me out of here!

Later:

Dad... I never want to see another carrot again.

Then there's Zhao-Jin.

Throw these prisoners in the cages. Let the men have their way with them.

Oh, wait.  Those aren't rape jokes at all.  One is a rape threat.  The other is a description of rape.

You don't exist in a bubble.  Someone who works at Blizzard is aware, on some level, of the gaming community's hostility to women gamers.  And aware of the WOW community's hostility to women players.  And aware of the ongoing social discourse over rape jokes.  And aware of how common rape and molestation and sexual assault are in real life, including the lives of gamers.

World of Warcraft does not exist on its own.  These are not real characters in real situations.  You make them up.  They can say and do whatever you want them to say and do.  Mina Mudclaw literally could say anything, anything at all.  She can thank the hero, she can insult her kidnappers, she can insult the hero, she can talk about how awful being kidnapped is or why the sky is blue or what cheese tastes like.  Of all of the possible topics in the world, you chose rape.

WOW has always had a mixture of dark and light, humor and drama, dangerous evil and pop culture references.  Zhao-Jin, I take it, is supposed to be a bad guy.  He does bad stuff.  He says bad things.  Clearly, you're trying to communicate that he's wicked.  But there are a lot of ways to do that.  Again, Zhao-Jin is not an autonomous being with a will of his own.  You choose which words are in-game and on-screen. His dialogue could include any number of nasty messages, but you went with rape.

There are several things still in-game that I've asked you to reconsider: the "male blood elves are gay/women" jokes, the gnome-punting jokes, Garrosh calling Sylvanas a bitch, the lynching imagery, and more.  I keep contacting you because I believe that you can improve the gaming experience.  I believe that if I keep reaching out, someday you'll hear me.  I'm not alone; there are feminists in every corner of the WOW community, from the raiders to the PVPers to the casuals.  (And definitely among the RPers!  High-five!)

Blizzard reps have said repeatedly that the best kind of feedback is calm, brief, and detailed.  I understand the people who go on angry rants because they're fed up.  I understand the people who don't bother with details because they insist that Blizzard has heard it all before and knows exactly what's wrong but just won't fix it.  I shouldn't have to go into a short but detailed explanation of rape culture, and how rape and violence in our media differ, and the effect rape jokes have on the gaming community, etc.  Do you honestly not know all of this by now?  Am I supposed to believe that the feminization of Tyrande and the inclusion of rape jokes and the way your community treats female gamers and the fact that one of your early lead developers goes by the name Tigole Bitties is all a wild coincidence?

WOW is a game.  People play it for fun.  We get to hang out in a fantasy world and escape into Azeroth for a few hours.  I don't want my real-world problems to follow me in.  If I go in-game, I don't want the in-game mail to remind me to call my mother.  I don't want the in-game auction house to remind me about my overdue bills.  I don't want my in-game mount to remind me to check the oil on my real-life car.  That would be a drag, a downer, when I'm trying to relax and have a good time in this fantasy world you've built.

Surely you understand that.  Then can you also understand that I also don't want to be reminded of misogyny and rape culture?  That I don't want to be reminded of how easily and often people treat rape and sexual assault as jokes?  That I don't want to be reminded of being raped, or of my best friend being assaulted, or of that terrible, terrible story about that girl I saw on the news last night?

I like to believe that you're operating in good faith. I like to believe that you wouldn't do these things if you understood their impact.  Yet you've heard specific feedback from your players.  If that weren't enough (and why wasn't it?), the gaming community overall discusses general gaming issues and WOW-specific issues all of the time.  Your reps seem like fairly Net-savvy people, and I've noticed them claim to visit WOW fan sites and discussion forums.  You hear gamers talk about these problems.  What do you do with that feedback?  Do you discuss it and give it real consideration?  Do you laugh it off as misguided?  Do you become defensive and resentful that it's all in good fun and no one understands you?

I've said it before and I'll request it again: if you can't figure out what you're doing wrong, please hire feminist consultants.  There are plenty of smart, feminist gamers out there who would be very happy to participate.

There are some problems in WOW that would take a major overhaul of certain aspects of the game to fix.  The joyful co-opting of native themes, for example.  But the two examples I began with are simple matters of quest text and NPC dialogue, which should be easier to adjust.

You made a change in the Pandaland beta when an NPC had sexist dialogue.  You made the right move, then.  I hope that you'll do the right thing, now.

With love,
Frank Lee

Dear Parks and Recreation

Dear "Parks and Recreation,"

I'd like to thank you for how good you are to Leslie Knope.

She's smart and she's funny and she cares too much.  She's generous and passionate and feminist.  She's dedicated and hard-working and genuine.  She's a terrific, terrific character.

She's flawed.  She makes mistakes in every episode.  She messes up and she's mean to Jerry (Gary) and have you seen the inside of her house?  She's awkward.

You let her be awkward and real without making every joke at her expense.  You're good to her.  Her meeting with Joe Biden is probably my favorite example.  You let Leslie Knope meet Joe Biden!  You gave her that moment, and you let her meet him in true Leslie style: she's awkward, she cares too much, she doesn't come across as suave or sophisticated or cool.  Joe Biden isn't entirely sure what to make of her.

But you know what I would have seen in other shows?  Leslie accidentally blurting out something grossly inappropriate (absurdly sexual, possibly racist) or being misheard.  Leslie spilling coffee on Joe Biden or pouring ink on him.  Leslie spilling something on herself or having food on her face.  Leslie falling over.  Leslie ruining the moment.  Because many shows seem to find it funniest when the woman almost, almost gets her moment but doesn't, really, in the end, because ha ha ha isn't it great how things never ever work out for her?

Leslie got her moment.

Sometimes, things work out for her.

Thank you for that.

With love,
Frank Lee

Related reading.

Dear Modern Family

Dear "Modern Family,"

Hi, here I am again.  I've written to you before, although not from this blog.  I watch your show fairly regularly, and while I enjoy many aspects of it, there are parts of it which give me pause, and other parts of it which bother me so much that I have to speak up once in a while.

Recently, you aired an episode with Matthew Broderick as a gay man who sort of dates Phil for an evening. Matthew Broderick is wonderfully charismatic, so I was pleased to see him.

However, I have two issues I'd like to discuss.

First, the "straight person cast as gay person" situation.  Overall, more gay characters onscreen is a good thing.  However, I'd like to see more gay actors cast.  This doesn't mean that I demand gay actors as gay characters and straight actors as straight characters and bi actors as bi characters.  What it means, really, is that I don't see enough out gay actors onscreen.  If I saw out gay actors all over the place, I wouldn't bother to keep track of who gets which role.  But when I don't see enough gay actors as it is, and then the role of a gay character pops up and another straight guy gets it, I wonder when Hollywood will get around to being inclusive.

(I'll take this moment to give a quick nod to Jesse Tyler Ferguson.  I loved you in "The Class!"  Congratulations on your engagement!)

Let's move on to the second problem.

What was up with that kiss?

I was disgusted by the Tom Hanks/Antonio Banderas kiss back in Philadelphia, and that was 19 years ago.  To clarify, I wasn't disgusted by the idea of the kiss.  I was disgusted that we couldn't see the kiss.  This back-of-the-head nonsense, where we assume that the characters are kissing but for all we know the actors are just checking each other's breath, is childish and ridiculous.  I'm baffled and disgusted that we're still pulling these moves in 2012.

I don't know if you played coy for the sake of the actors, for the sake of your audience, or for some other reason entirely, but if you were trying to avoid offending people, oops!  I'm peeved, irked, and riled up.  "Modern Family" is a popular, award-winning, prime-time major network show.  A lot of people watch it.  A lot of people pay attention to it.  You just had a big guest star in an attention-getting role, which means even more viewers and interest than usual.  And you dropped the ball.

Back in 1993, Philadelphia tried to convey positive, important, political and personal messages about gay people, their lives, their rights, homophobia, and AIDS.  And in that landmark movie, they dodged the kiss.  It communicated to me that even in a supposedly progressive, risk-taking movie, Tom Hanks and Antonio Banderas actually kissing onscreen would have been going too far.  After all, we can try to portray gay people, we can try to humanize gay people, but the sight of lips on lips: impossible.

Nineteen years later, showing the kiss is still going too far.

You disappoint me.  And you insult me.

We're moving into 2013 in a few weeks.  I hope that next year, I'll be able to write a happier letter.

With love,
Frank Lee

Dear Cameron Diaz

"I think every woman does want to be objectified. There's a little part of you at all times that hopes to be somewhat objectified, and I think it's healthy."
-Cameron Diaz

Dear Cameron Diaz,

Let's jump right into this.

I think every woman does want to be objectified.

It's nice of you to begin with "I think," as if you're merely stating a humble opinion.  However, following it up with such a blanket statement encompassing "every woman" was a mistake.  You do not get to announce that the desire to be objectified is some universal experience which all women share.

There's a little part of you at all times that hopes to be somewhat objectified

You keep backing away (just a little part of you, just somewhat) and then going full tilt ("at all times," as if this is a constant, eternal, never-ending state).  At all times?  Women wish to be objectified while at work, while driving, while walking the dog, while shopping for new tires, while brushing their teeth, while cutting onions, while on the toilet.  AT ALL TIMES.  IT MUST HAPPEN UNCEASINGLY.

I think it's healthy

I don't.  You know what I think?  I think that it makes women sound needy.  Also shallow, vain, desperate for validation and approval, and so on.  Is that how you want people to think of you?  Is that how you think of women?  Is that a natural, healthy state you genuinely believe every woman enjoys?

Here's what you didn't say:

I think that most women enjoy feeling attractive. 

I think that many women appreciate getting some flirtatious sexual attention and sincere compliments, and I think that's normal.

Here's what you communicated to me:

The patriarchy has taught me to work to attract, and place value upon, the male gaze.  Instead of questioning that, I accept it wholeheartedly as a healthy feature of my womanhood. 

I think very little of myself and/or very little of other women. 

I don't know what "objectified" actually means. 

I, like all women, want to be treated like an object, not like a full human being.  That's healthy.  It would be unhealthy to hope to be treated like a human being at all times, the way that men do.

If you enjoy feeling attractive, good for you!  If you enjoy the flattery and compliments you receive from your friends and partners, great!  If you'd rather be viewed as an object, lacking in autonomy, not a person with your own ideas and personality and desires but a mere thing to be used and owned, you might want to consider why that is.  And you also might want to stop assuming that all other women feel just the same way.

A lot of women fight hard to be viewed as people, as not less-than.  When you say things like that, you make their work that much more difficult.

With love,
Frank Lee

Dear Blizzard

Dear Blizzard,

A server is its own community.  Each one has its own flavor, its own pace, its own rhythms.  Once you make a server your home, you get used to seeing the same guild names.  You become familiar with the tone of /trade.  You might learn some server history.  You start seeing the same people around the mailbox.

Being on a familiar server is like shopping at the neighborhood grocery store.  If you're there often enough, you start to recognize the regulars, like the cashiers, and they start to recognize you, too.  You might not know everyone in the aisles, but you assume that they live or work nearby.  You might run into them again.  You may have acquaintances in common.  You deal with many of the same idiosyncrasies of that particular neighborhood.

Enter cross-realm zones.  Suddenly I feel as if my local grocery store is gone and I'm shopping at the airport.  Who are these people?  Will I ever see them again?  There's no sense of community.  Internet anonymity is back in full force.

I settled onto a particular server after some research as well as some trial and error.  The server I escaped from was an unpleasant place to be, and I was thrilled to find a great realm like my current one.  I'm very happy with the community here, and I've done my small part to keep it a good, welcoming, positive place.  I don't want that sense of community to become fractured.  I don't want to start thinking of the toons around me as anonymous strangers in an airport.

The bonds of friendship we form with other players are a large part of what keeps many of us tethered to WOW.  That sense of community we build with each other encourages us to log in.  The sense of community and accountability is something many players have been trying to cling to in this post-LFD game.  Now it feels as if the anonymity of the dungeon finder is in almost every aspect of the game, from questing to doing dailies to standing at the mailbox.  It's bad enough to lose a quest mob or a node to someone on my server, but a complete stranger I've never heard of and will never see again?  When someone from my server does something irritating, I can look at the guild name and roll my eyes and think, "Oh, right.  That figures."  There's no opportunity for that moment of community with some random nobody from another server.  At this point, I just get a moment of frustration, instead.  People from other servers aren't community.  They're competition.  And they're cementing that sense of anonymity that I came to this realm to get away from.

I don't want a game full of complete strangers.  I don't want to disregard other players as anonymous blobs of pixels.  For me, CRZ makes WOW feel more like a single-player game, because I'm less interested in interaction with the changing parade of strangers around me.  Without CRZ, I'm more interested in the toons around me, and which guilds they're in, and whose alts they might be.  I'm more likely to be friendly and helpful.  I'm more likely to be tolerant and patient.  I'm more emotionally engaged.  With CRZ, I don't know them and they don't know me, we'll probably never encounter each other again, and I care less.  I'm less engaged.

With LFD and LFR, the convenience of the change in gameplay outweighs the impact on community.  The sacrifice is worth it.  With CRZ, it's not worth it.

With love,
Frank Lee

P.S. On another note, I'd assumed that as you merged RP realms with RP realms, you would merge EST realms with EST realms.  I expected you to match up PVP-PST realms, and PVE-CST realms, and so forth.  I don't know why you're mixing up the time zones, but please reconsider.  It affects the fishing tournaments, the Darkmoon Faire, and the coordination of events.

Dear Airline Industry and TSA

Dear Airline Industry and TSA,

I remember when fear of flying was the most prevalent concern air travelers had.  Remember those days?  I was never afraid to fly, myself, so the biggest concern I had was whether or not my ears would pop correctly during the final descent.  I'd heard stories of people spending their vacations having trouble hearing anything, so I'd pack gum and yawn to make sure that everything was okay.

Now, I wish that were my main concern.  Now I worry about my privacy being violated.  I worry about being touched in places I don't want a stranger's hands on me.  I worry about being charged hundreds of dollars for another seat or kicked off of a flight for being considered too fat.

The worst part of it is that most of what I listed above comes from arbitrary and unnecessary policies.  My ears popping is a matter of biology and physics.  Your security theater has been displayed as a sham by people more informed than I am.  Your anti-fat measures are applied at the whim of whoever happens to be working that day and are used at the airline's convenience to solve issues you cause to begin with.  Flight overbooked?  Just search the plane for someone who looks fat, threaten to charge for a second seat, and hope that they'll be unable to pay so you can shove two more people onto the plane.

The next time I fly, will I be molested?  Will images of my body be displayed?  Will I be harassed and threatened and overcharged?  Will I be ejected from the plane?  I'm not worried about the plane crashing; I'm worried about what you'll do to me on the way to the plane.

I miss the days when chewing some gum would solve my problems.

With love,
Frank Lee

Dear Apathetic People

Dear Apathetic People,

I keep coming across the same mentality in different spheres of life.  People will converse, someone will posit an opinion, and you'll respond with something along the lines of, "Why do you care?  It doesn't affect you in any way."

The more I see you say that, the more disgusted I become, and the more I wonder if other people will pick up on your ideas.  Let's clear it all up now before it spreads.

Here's why you're wrong: We don't live in a void.  No man is an island.  It takes a village.  I can throw overused phrases at you all day, and they'll continue to be true.  I don't live in my own private society of one, and neither do you.  What we do affects each other, sometimes in huge and devastating ways, sometimes in minor and barely perceptible ways.

How other people live affects me.  Their quality of life, their happiness, their health and success and lack thereof, affect me.  Maybe not directly, in that if my neighbor stubs his toe my feet continue to feel just fine.  But let's say that his house burns down.  How does this affect me?

• If the fire spreads, my house might suddenly be on fire, too.
• I now live next to a charred ruin.  It's both an eyesore and a reminder of the ever-present threat of tragedy and loss.
• Maybe he'll rebuild.  If so, I'll live next door to a construction site.  That means loud noises at any hour of the day, trucks and other vehicles in my normal route of navigation, debris, etc.
• Maybe someone else will move in next door.  New neighbors: are they pleasant to live near?  Maybe we'll become friends.  Maybe we'll barely speak to each other.  Maybe they'll throw loud parties or play basketball at two in the morning or let their dog defecate on my lawn.

All of that ignores the basic human component.  It goes something like this: My neighbor's house burns down.  My neighbor is a fellow human being who's just suffered a great loss.  He now has a personal tragedy to deal with and recover from.  That touches me because I possess empathy.  Maybe I'll reach out to him directly and offer him material support in the form of money or a place to stay.  Maybe I'll offer him emotional support and advice.  Maybe I'll just worry about him and wish him well.  Maybe I'll find out what caused the fire and double-check my own habits to prevent his fate from befalling me.

I don't have to be on fire, myself, to care that someone else is on fire.

I care about the happiness of people around me.  I care about the quality of life of people around me.  Even the people I don't know.  We all bump into each other, at work or around town or on-line.  We're all members of intersecting communities.  If I hear that someone's going around spitting on left-handed people, I don't shrug it off with a careless, "I'm not right-handed, it doesn't affect me, whatever."  The fact remains (in this scenario, although I hope not in actuality) that someone's going around spitting on people.  That's ridiculous and unwarranted and needs to stop.  Why would I not have an opinion on it?  Why would I not speak up about it?  Why would I not commiserate with the people even more directly affected by it than I am?

"I don't care because it doesn't affect me in any way" is bullshit, because it does affect you in some way, even a very minor, many degrees removed way.

"I don't care because it doesn't affect me" also suggests a narcissistic, self-absorbed, antisocial mentality.  Your self-interested lack of empathy is disgusting.  Discouraging other people from caring is even worse and somewhat contradictory.  Why do you care if they care?

Even if you lack empathy, you must understand that what other people do affects you.  It makes sense on a larger scale.  The economy, for instance.  The environment.  What other people do all around you has an impact on your life.  If you live in the USA's culture of violence, you may be aware that there have been a number of public shootings over the last few weeks.  Other people may affect you whether you see it coming or not.  If you understand it on a larger scale, try to see that it works on a smaller scale, too.  Even in minor ways.  When some members of a community are scared or angry or confused or anything else, it affects other members of the community.  Since you don't live on a solitary island within a void, you're a member of a community.  You're a member of a society.  What other people do affects you.  What you do affects them.  One way or another.

I want to be a member of a vibrant, healthy society.  I want the communities I'm involved in to flourish.  I want the people around me to be happy.  Your self-absorbed, me-first, apathetic mentality is fucking that up.  Please reconsider.

With love,
Frank Lee

Dear WOW Players

Dear WOW Players,

Over many months now, we've talked a lot about Pandaland.  One of the comments I've heard over and over again is that Blizzard is "catering to Asians" with the upcoming Asian-influenced zones.  You frequently imply that only people of Asian heritage would be interested in anything inspired by Asian geography, Chinese culture, and so on.

It is very, very limited thinking to believe that something Asian or Asian-influenced would only appeal to Asian people.  "Asian things are for Asian people" is so xenophobic and racist as to be nonsensical.  It brings to mind the gender essentialism of, "Boy things are for boys!  Girl things are for girls!  Only boys can be doctors!  Only girls like pink!"

Do you expect that only Korean players roll night elves?  Do you expect that only Eastern European players roll draenei?  Only heavy drinkers roll dwarves?  While you're leveling, do you skip the entire zone of Uldum because you think that only ancient Egyptians play there?

Are you confused when you see non-Italians eat pizza?  Does it irk you to see non-Mexicans eat tacos?  How do you feel about people who aren't Japanese eating sushi?  Are you completely baffled to see someone who's Irish-American order a Greek salad?

Many people enjoy traveling to new places, learning other languages, studying the history of other cultures, getting to know a variety of people, and so on.  For many people, it's fun to dip into another culture.  The tourism industry is devoted to it.

In related news, you may be interested to know that there's no rule that an Asian person seeing something Asian-influenced will suddenly perk up with interest.

If you want to complain about an Asian-inspired expansion, complain that Blizzard isn't being creative enough.  Complain about cultural appropriation.  Complain about cultural and racist stereotypes.  There's plenty to be discussed there.

But complaining that you can't relate to an entire expansion because the new zones remind you of Asia and you aren't Asian is bizarre.  The only way it makes sense is if you're being racist.  The geography in WOW is so varied that I'd imagine that very little, if anything at all, looks like the view from your bedroom window.  Therefore, unless you're upset that you can't relate to Blade's Edge Mountains and you refuse to quest in Zangarmarsh because it's foreign to you, consider why Asian-influenced zones, specifically, bother you so much.

With love,
Frank Lee

Dear Conservatives

Passing references to forced birth and rape culture ahead.

Dear Conservatives,

You know how sometimes you say something innocuous or well-meaning or perfectly ordinary, but it's poorly worded?  And all of a sudden someone takes offense and word spreads and people start jumping all over you, hounding you for a slip-up and twisting your words around and making it seem as if you're a hideous, woman-hating monster of a person when you were really just trying to explain a fairly common political position?  You hate that, right?

Here's why that happens: You've torn your drawers.  You're past the point where we can extend the benefit of the doubt.  When you speak, your words join all of the words of all of the other members of your party and leaders of your party who've voted against women, spoken against women, fought against women's rights, worked to limit reproductive freedom, and on, and on, and on.

Maybe you didn't really mean to say anything harmful or disgusting at all.  Maybe it really was a slip of the tongue.  But it's just as possible that you meant every word that you said.  It's just as possible that your beliefs and your votes and your political efforts are devoted to hateful, garbage ideas.  We've heard from too many people who say those things and genuinely mean them.  They're people in your party, your colleagues, your associates.

No, you say, those people aren't like me!  They don't represent me!  That's good, but then it falls to you to make that distinction.  You have to fight against their ideas and push back.

For example, there are plenty of people who call themselves feminists who say terrible things.  Therefore, I make an effort not to say those things and (this next step is important) to speak up and fight against those things.  That way, if I say something that sounds *ist when what I meant was something else entirely, when someone says, "Ugh, that was really gross, I can't stand feminists who think that way," I can say, "I know, I'm so sorry, that wasn't what I meant at all, I'm sorry that I phrased that so poorly.  I've been working to fight those attitudes, myself."  Then maybe the conversation can continue and we'll have a chance to work through the misunderstanding.

If I hear that a conservative Republican has spouted off about how anyone who gets pregnant should be forced to give birth and women don't deserve to be paid or hired or promoted the same ways that men do because they'll just run off and get pregnant anyway and rape is only really bad under a certain set of very specific conditions, I'm not going to assume that the remarks were taken out of context.  I'm not going to assume that it's all a misunderstanding, all a slip of the tongue.  I'm not going to take the time to contact him personally to find out what he really believes.  I'm going to think, "More of the same," because I've heard all of those things from many, many conservative Republicans before.

But all is not lost!  There is good news!  If you want to buy the benefit of the doubt back and garner some good will so that I can take "I misspoke" more seriously as a defense, there are several strategies you might employ!  If you don't want people to associate you and your party with *ist attitudes, you can speak up privately and publicly against *ist attitudes, behavior, and discrimination.  You can make your voting record reflect your stance.  You can draft and support relevant legislation.  You can donate time and effort to related causes.

That way, instead of the typical "More of the same" response of disgust at your hateful slip of the tongue, I might instead say, "Oh, [Name] said that?  That's a real surprise, he's typically great when it comes to that issue.  Let me delve a little deeper and see what's really going on here."

You'll get the benefit of the doubt back once you've earned it.  It'll take a lot of work, because the rest of your party makes you look worse every day, but it's worth it.

With love,
Frank Lee